Feedback: Every learner needs it, some even want it, and few get what they need to move towards their goals. Understanding the reasons for the anxiety behind giving and receiving, and tapping into our whole brain can make the feedback process far more effective.
Two cases illustrate the challenge
Peyton is great to work with and brings cheerful energy to the team. However, Peyton’s results are far below expectations and fellow team members routinely spend time fixing Peyton’s work to meet collaborator expectations. Sage, Peyton’s manager, is often surprised by P’s priorities & time allocation but is wary of saying anything that might hurt P’s feelings.
Roz delivers exceptional results. Indeed, sets the benchmark for the team. However, Roz is a poor listener and dismissive of others ideas. Hallway talk is that it is a nightmare to work with Roz. Sage loves the results and is wary of saying anything negative that might demotivate Roz.
How often do Peyton and Roz get the feedback they need?
What makes the whole process challenging for all parties?
Why is feedback challenging? As part of a series of workshops I did this fall, I asked participants a few questions to understand the key challenge. Top three themes from more than sixty responses are given in the table below.
What is your challenge in giving feedback?
What is your challenge in receiving feedback?
1. Fear of hurting feelings
2. Fear of conflict
3. Balancing criticism and empathy
1. Managing my emotional reaction
2. Not getting defensive
3. Finding the actionable
There is no such thing as feedback without feelings. Trying to give feedback without emotion is like trying to score a homerun without stepping on first-base. Not possible. If you have feelings about giving and receiving feedback, congratulations! You are human. Yay! While it is futile to deny our humanity, it can be fertile to embrace it. “We are feeling creatures who think”, says Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, and offers an intuitive and easy to use framework to access our whole brain. Let’s meet our two hemispheres and four characters.
The 30-second version of our whole brain Our brains is divided into two-hemispheres, and each can think and feel but does so in different ways. Based on decades of research and her own personal experience recovering from a complete loss of left-hemispheric function, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor proposed four characters that align thoughts and emotions with our neuroanatomy. Recognizing and becoming friends with each of our four characters is exceptionally valuable in expanding our range of responses to life situations, and in our case today – giving and receiving feedback.
The four characters
Character 1 - Left-thinking (Epitomized by Spock)
This is also most familiar to most of us who are conditioned to value efficiency and objectivity. This character judges performance against expectations, compares performance across time or against other people. Without this part of us there would be no course to correct, no feedback to give! This part helps us get specific and actionable.
Character 2 – Left-feeling (Marlin, Nemo’s father in the Pixar movie)
Worried, anxious and always obsessed with one question “Am I safe”. This part experiences the 'sting' and links constructive feedback to loss (of self-esteem or compensation). In feedback conversations it is crucial to create safety for this Character so it lies low and does not derail the conversation. Establishing safety for all parties, minimizes defensive responses and fosters a learning environment.
Character 3 – Right-feeling (Nemo and Dory)
When we say 'emotion', we mostly refer to our Character 2. But we have a whole right-side of emotions. This is the part that is empathic (care), creative, curious and impulsive (not always positive). Many of the emotions we were so familiar with as children but have lost touch with. The excitement of this emotion is often seen as the question “What can I try right now?”
Character 4 – Right – thinking (Yoda or the wise-part in you)
This part grasp the gestalt, understands the big picture. Is intuitive and thinks long-term. Character 4 is a systems thinker, understands that the connections and relationships between parts are crucial.
Whole brain feedback
Regardless of your personality type, you’ve got all four characters in you. Sure, some may need more time in the sun, but you’ve got them! Here is a whole brain approach for you to try.
Be specific. Know the performance gap or the development opportunity. Be clear on your criteria for evaluation and have specific examples to share. Articulate the impact of current behavior, actions you expect, and benefits of change.
Make it safe. Remember Character 2’s will show up in the conversation (yours and theirs). Anticipating emotions helps you manage defensiveness. Breathe, and connect with your own Character 3 and 4. This creates permission for them also to show their character 3 and 4.
Connect and care. Tell them you are sharing feedback because you care about their growth and the growth of your team. Allow them space to process. Offer support on their path to change. As a receiver, assume best intent unless you have factual evidence to believe otherwise.
Frame it in the big picture. What is the long-term impact on the, individual and on the team. What might they gain by shifting behavior?
Feedback conversations are never easy, but preparing for all four characters to show up and consciously tapping into our compassionate, yet underutilized, right brain can make all the difference.
Do you have a difficult conversation coming up? I'd love to help!
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